You are very attractive, but I am not attracted to you. That cigarette in your hand ruined it for me.
It’s not about the smell, I can get over that. It’s not even about the reflection upon your intelligence, although it certainly doesn’t help.
It’s about the future. How are we going to build a better tomorrow when you are so short sighted?
It’s about inspiration. How are you going to inspire me to be a better man when you settle for blatant imperfections?
It’s about respect. How am I supposed to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself?
Photo: quicheisinsane
I completely agree.
BUT how different is a cigarette from a candy bar or a beer? Beers don’t cause cancer all that often but there are a lot of indulgences we condone that are obviously not good for us in the long term.
Is our disgust more a judgement on the effects of smoking or a reflection of the DARE culture we’ve grown up in that labels it a sin?
The more I think about it the harder it is to see smoking as inherently different from plenty of other destructive behaviors that are considered more acceptable.
Ahhh Blindy, wise beyond your years. I’ve always thought it was fascinating how binge drinking is encouraged by our society, while not as harmful drugs are chastised. I believe this is largely because of the DARE culture and lack of information about the actual effects of each drug.
Are you proposing to ignore the social acceptance of a given self-destructive behavior? Isn’t that just another part to consider in the pros vs cons analysis? I see smoking as almost no pros and a billion cons. But you are right, it is not inherently different from other behaviors and warrants this analysis.
FINALLY a post Mom will agree with! 🙂
My issue is that “blatant imperfections” boils down to values we have that others don’t share, but doesn’t willingness to change factor in? How do you know she’s not really, really interested in quitting? Maybe YOU are the inspiration she needs to give up this nasty habit. In the meantime, she might help you with some of the imperfections she sees in you.
For example, I am a neat freak. Plenty of girls are. And plenty read A LOT into a guy’s cleanliness, especially in his apartment or house. Where’s the self-respect or intelligence in a guy who lives in his own disgusting mess? But the guys who change (especially when tidiness is not their default), the ones who wanted to change to please me, are the ones I look back on fondly as caring enough to make the effort.
I know, I know, cleanliness is not smoking. But smoking is not HEROIN. I guess to me smoking is a surface-level flaw without deep bearing on character. In writing this, I’m aware that my perspective on smokers has changed over the years due to friendships and relationships with occasional smokers. We all have to draw our own lines and similar values is the perfect place to start. Just don’t forget that you and any significant other are likely to bring your own nasty habits to the table, and willingness to change is crucial.
Attraction can be rare. You have to decide which red flags are non-negotiables and which can be worked on. Give people (maybe even hottie smoker) a chance and they might surprise you.
Willingness to change does not factor at all into my personal analysis. I don’t want a girl that is a “fixer-upper” and needs me to inspire her. Of course there are exceptions, but in the black and white world of blog posts, this is black.
Something as mundane as smoking isn’t as serious as other addictions. Or other imperfections. But it is definitely across the line called “right to judge irrationally”.
I don’t know, depending on your timeline (shout-out to Jesse!), “fixer-uppers” might be all that’s left! 😉
Good job following Mom’s advice to “be picky.”
Hehe, love the response Lara. I think smoking used to be classy at one time, like enjoying a cigarette or a cigar with a class of fine Cognac and good conversation in the library after dinner. The chain smoking beer guzzling is really the antithesis of what those are meant for. I don’t smoke at all, but I really like to have a glass of wine or an old Scotch. I want to try a cigar sometime, but my wife would kill me 🙂
As far as neat freaks, there are neat freak guys too. How neat is neat? I’m not a “see my reflection everywhere” kind of guy, but I am not unhygienic either. The guys who change when they fall in love with a girl don’t really change. Once the infatuation fades, they’ll be back to their slobbish ways leaving you wondering where prince charming went. Same with the girls.
I guess if self improvement isn’t a good enough motivator, fear of death at the hands of your wife is! You’re not missing much in my opinion, I had my first and only cigar last year and wasn’t overly impressed.
Yay for neat freak guys! I’ve had relationships with a couple of those too and must admit that it’s a nice trait to share. Overall, the more you have in common the better, so I understand picking out specific values, traits, habits that you can or can’t tolerate.
Infatuation phase or not, I believe people can make small changes for good, whether for a partner or just for themselves. It might be a constant struggle, but aren’t we all capable of overriding certain natural instincts in the name of self improvement? It’s all about the daily effort.
Touching on Blindy’s comment, I’d be far less concerned about a smoker than an alcoholic. I guess I view alcohol addiction as much more destructive and more difficult to quit than smoking. But I’ve never been a smoker and don’t drink often, so what do I know?
I think sometimes I need to remember that the general social attitude towards a behavior needs to be questioned. Maybe that means I need to readjust my view of binge drinking more than my view of smoking.
How many of these blog entries does Mama Skinner not agree with?